Questions

1) So why did you decide to create this web site then ?

2) Mart is Martin right, so why is Gareth called Bean ?

3) What are the foods and drinks mentioned on the website ?

Pasta is an Italian dish made from a special dough which is rolled very thinly and dried before cooking - usually by boiling. Pizza is another Italian dish. It is made with a circular dough base on top of which comes the topping of your choice - typically tomato sauce and cheese. Special combinations of toppings include - "Original Marguerita", "Hawaiian", "Cheese Feast" and "Create your Own by selecting three toppings from our selection". Martin and some bloke who looks like the one off "The Thin Blue Line" regularly consume vast amounts of pizza at lunchtimes. Well, occasionally. OK, hardly ever but who cares anyway?

Chicken MacNuggets are chicken based savoury snacks, coated in breadcrumbs. The "Mac" part of the name comes from "MacDonalds", a chain of fast food outlets who allegedly make and sell Chicken MacNuggets. They come in boxes of 6, 9, 12 or 20 and with a choice of dips. They are very tasty, but a bit over-priced for what they are really, and the "price to fill-you-up" ratio is lower than with, say a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Beer is an alcoholic fermented drink made of grain. Beer comes in glass (a material made of silica) bottles, cans, or from a pub (abbreviation of Public House, a kind of large room or interlocking collection of rooms where alcoholic drinks are bought and consumed). There are many varieties of beer. Some of the more favourable ones include - Boddingtons (the cream of Manchester), Newcastle Brown Ale and Castlemaine XXXX. Small northern people often make the mistake of asking the MartBean crew to hold their cans of beer for them whilst they smoke a cigarette (a rolled up piece of paper containing tobacco, which is lit and damages your lungs when inhaled), they get the cans back - just with no fermented grain drink. But do they learn? Oh no...

Lilt is a combination of Pineapple, Grapefruit, carbonated water and many other additives, such as Citric Acid, flavourings and preservatives. According to the advertising campaign, it has a "totally tropical taste". And they'd be right.

4) Will there be a MartBean computer game ?

5) Where can I buy MartBean merchandise and what is available ?

6) What are the lyrics to the theme tune ?

7) Why is there no survey any more ? I really wanted to see the secret page...

(The secret page was lame anyway)

8) Was Gareth Morris arrested for fraud ?

9) Ash/Reef/Terrorvision/GLR are awful, why do a homepage on them ?

10) Why was the GLR page closed down ?

11) Why was the GLR page resurrected ?

12) Oasis are a great band - why don't you do a homepage about them ?

• They are unoriginal.
• They have no talent.
• They make too much money.
• They are over-rated.
• "Wonderwall" doesn't mean anything - it just rhymes with "after all".
• One of them has a silly beard.
• Oasis are far too popular for their own good.
• Gormless Tw*t #1 and #2 are egotistical fools.
• All their songs are rip-offs of other songs, usually Beatles songs.
• Gormless Tw*t #1 can't sing.
• The bassist is awful.
• The drummer is awful.
• They are forced upon us by the media.
• The rumours that they were to split up was a publicity scam.
• Sticking your fingers up at a camera isn't hard.
• Nor is not turning up to an awards ceremony.
• Nor is not bothering to learn how to play the guitar.
• And nor is not being able to sing.
• Their secret gigs aren't really a secret at all.
• Why a Champagne supernova, why not a milk supernova, or Coke, or Sunkist.
• They support Manchester City Football Club, who are quite frankly, terrible.
• Capital FM play them.
• They are northern.
• They re-release their singles about once a month.
• And split-up about twice a month.
• It always rains in Manchester.
• People only like Oasis because they think other people like them.
• They have a poor logo.
• No one outside the British Isles has heard of them.
• They have spawned a number of bands of similar poor quality.
• Gormless tw*t #1 isn't hard.
• and neither is Gormless tw*t #1
• They are supposedly recording their new album in Dorking.
• They have been spotted in Dorking.
• They let Mike Flowers Pops cover one of their songs ...
• ...but not the Smurfs.
• Gormless tw*t #1 fell down some stairs.
• They got a Smash Hits award.
• Ruining "Devils Haircut" with a poor remix wasn't clever ...
• and neither was singing in that Chemical Brothers tune
• They're crap.

13) Are you some kind of dual personality ?

14) Who is Yeti ?

15) What is the title of the Atari DIY page ?

16) Are there any hidden puns/jokes in the pages ?

17) Do any of the members of MartBean do drugs ?

18) What is the URL of Gareth and Martin's Homepage ?

19) What is a URL ?

20) Who was the man in France who wouldn't sell Gareth a fake axe for 10F ?

He selects a fake medieval axe and goes over to the counter to talk to the owner. The conversation that follows was in a strange mix of French and English :

(poor French with no attempt made at an accent)Errr... how much this then ?

(deep fruit rural French tongue) I don't know I am merely looking after zis shop for my friend 'ho is ill.

"Would you accept 10 francs ?"
Finds this very funny and laughs "Ah zee Ingleeesh, always after a bargain, non"
"Err yeah whatever"
"But yes, seriously I don't know how much it is worth but surely not ten francs."
"Thanks anyway, how about some d'Agen prunes then ?"
"D'accord - how much do you want ?"
"Erm (looks in phrase book) 12 prunes ...."
"Zut alour, you want /12/ kilos of prunes ?"
"No I want 12 prunes"
"What 12 prunes ?"
"Yes"
Finds this strangely amusing and tries to stifle a laugh "No we only sell by the kilo"
(thinks - damn you French git)"Ok just give me a couple of feetfuls" (means handfuls)
(thinks - you strange English man)"Come again"
"Sorry earfuls, doh! just give me a kilo"
"Mais oui" (fills bag)
Money and prunes change hands
"Cheers mate"
"Bon Chance"
"whatever"

He then leaves to shop feeling rather pleased with himself having held a conversation in French and swung himself a real bargain - those French lessons must have been worth something then. Possibly inside the shop the man smiles at having swindled another British tourist out of lots of money.

21) How can I cook drop scones whilst using my computer ?

YOU WILL NEED :

• 1 packet of drop scones (lemon and raisin from Sainsburys work best)
• Wire cutters
• 2 lengths of wire
• Soldering iron and solder
• Screw driver
• Hand drill (optional)
• Pair of insulating gloves
• Some butter
• A clump of donkey hair

WHAT YOU DO

1. Take the case off your PC or Atari (taking anti static precautions)
2. Locate the power supply of your computer (located on the top left of your Atari or in a separate case on your PC.
3. If you have a PC take the lid off the power supply - by drilling out protecting rivets with the hand drill if required
4. Locate the live mains wire entering the power supply - the brown one.
5. Make doubly sure your computer is turned off
6. Solder a length of wire from the live wire to the +12v connection on the FDD. Be careful that the joint is secure and not touching any other parts of the computer.
7. Locate the neutral wire (blue) and solder a wire from this connection to the 0v input of the FDD unit.
8. Replace the case of your computer and power supply(if required)
9. Put on the insulating gloves and turn on your computer
10. When a red glow comes from the FDD insert a drop scone in to the drive
11. When the scone has become golden brown eject the drop scone from the disk drive.
12. Spread the drop scone with butter
13. Serve

22) How can I make easy money ?

• Paper round (poor hours)
• Cleaning job (poor image)
• Deal in some motors (initial capital investment may be high)
• Quality PC spare parts (contacts needed)
• Bank Raid (sawn off shotgun required)
• Write musicals (must be musically talented)
• Join Oasis (must not be musically talented)
• Win the lottery/pools/etc. (must be extremely flukey)
• Get a proper job

23) What are the MartBean lyrics to "The Firestarter"

I'm the popularly hated
Recoil actuated
DOH!
I'm a beer tasted
Well intoxicated
I'm a dire farter
Frankly dire farter
Your a hire tractor
Nippy hire tractor

I'm the unconflicting
My furry alligator
I'm the uninjected
Walt Disney animator
I'm a tyre writer
Groovy tyre writer
Your a tyre lever
Handy tyre lever
I'm a wacky racer
He's a wacky racer

24) How can I remove mildew from the university dig I've just moved into ?

25) Was Brian the true Messiah ?

26) What is the meaning of life ?

• Be born
• Get some qualifications
• Get a job
• Get married
• Have fun
• Become dead

27) What School/University/College should I go to ?

or anywhere else beginning with an 'S'

28) Why was the Prodigy page closed ?

29) Why is the Red Dwarf/Simpsons/Ash/Terrorvision/GLR/RS200 page never updated ?